my phone needs a breathalizer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
