last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
