I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
