if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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