you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
