I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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