dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
