I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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