I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
