I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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