I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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