i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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