Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
