I think I won the penis lottery.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
