ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize