I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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