your parents love me but you hate me
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
