Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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