just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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