GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize