Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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