i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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