I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize