I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
