my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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