I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
