Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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