I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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