rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
