i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do herpes really smell.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize