I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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