You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
