Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
