every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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