I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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