i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
