what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
