I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
