I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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