Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
