Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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