as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
