At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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