I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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