so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
