how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
