3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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