That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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