Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize