life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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