i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
