how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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