A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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