Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Success! We fucked roommates!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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