No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
