i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
