Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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