I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
