Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
