I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I am morally bankrupt
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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