have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize