just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
