I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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